Ok.. I’m having a really shitty week.
My boyfriend visited last weekend, and one night I just went..off the walls. He said something and I recluded into a blanket and when he tried to hold me and I pushed and pushed him away and was crying and sobbing and telling him to let me go and leave me alone and his face was so hurt when I got away.. I ran upstairs and gripped my knife between my fingers and he was so upset with my outburst..
This shit happens.. All the time. And we decided to break up on our year anniversary in October to give him time to prepare. Splitting was my idea. I couldn’t keep hurting him with the outbursts and suicidal thoughts and depression and being off my meds and cutting anymore.. But it’s killing me. He called me sobbing begging me not to do it, and I can’t sleep cause all I can do is hurt. And I feel like I’m doing what NEEDS to be done.. But it hurts so damn bad.. We were engaged.. We thought we were gonna spend our lives together.. I don’t wanna be alone again.. But I don’t wanna hurt him.. He’s praying I change my mind.. But I gave him until October in exchange for his promise to try and love someone else. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Someone help..